Grin and Bear It.

I feel the need for a gripe session so bear with me.

Overwhelmed is an understatement for how I feel lately. With everything hurting lately, and I mean EVERYTHING, just managing my daily tasks like keeping three other people alive while being a good example of patience, soft spoken words, and the like seems impossible.

I want to declare holiday everyday and do away with responsibilities and be the fun mom in my lovely 18 year old body. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for my body that can take a licking and keep on ticking. I just feel so old and worn out, like today. It doesn't help when my inadequates are excruciatingly apparent to me and all those around me. Why do I feel the need to put on my "happy face" and keep trudging along pretending that all is well? When wouldn't it be more honest to tell people when asked about my well being to say, "Look, I am trying to stay positive, so don't ask." I feel like a broken record of "Oh, hanging in there-s" and "doing as well as expected" . Expected????

I am pretty sure having my left leg turned into a pop-up version of a united states road map, with bruised veins in places of national recreation and lakes that is draining the life from me wasn't under the "expected" list of things I signed up for. For the first time I think I am angry that I have been handed the short end of the stick on healthy. No matter how hard I try, my body and soul are at war with one another. There is in insurmountable energy inside of me that wants to live, but can't in the broken shell that I exist in. So much happens each day that I feel I miss out on because I can't participate without pain. There is so much I want to accomplish but can't.

Some how I will find a way to wake up tomorrow, do my duties and put on a smile just don't ask me how tonight.

Go Figure

I finally understand my Mother.

When we were kids, getting new things was a very rare occurance, which is not a complaint but just a fact. Once upon a time my mom was expecting a brand new washer and dryer. I thought, of all the things to get new, this was not one of the exciting things. Little did my elementary brain comprehend.

Fast forward to now. Here I am sitting with anticipation like it is Christmas Eve, counting down the hours until my brand new washer and dryer arrive. After listening to my jet engine sounding dryer and typhoon mimicking washer I can not wait to hear the blissful whir of my machines doing there job!

I thought my Mom was crazy. She was! Crazy for things that create sanity with out driving you nuts~LOL.

Still Alive......

I will be able to post more later. Time is ticking on my bellybutton timer here and have to get ready for baby 4 while getting all other objectives accomplished. By the way, if any of you find my feet I would like them back. Seems I can't see them anymore no matter how much I "bend", if you want to call it that.

Homeschool Reform: Everyday a Learning Day

Being largely pregnant now, homeschooling has developed some unique challenges that I hadn't realized or suppressed the last time. Granted last time it was only preschool which takes up a lot less time. But this time, with a first grader, preschooler, and a toddler running around things are quite chaotic. Most days I feel like mommy cryptonite is weighing down my already filled pockets. So the most logical thing I could do was to sit down, put my feet up and dig into other homeschooling sites and figure it out. (Which only came after a good cry and rant session to my husband.)

My plan is to do what is right for my family. Which means taking a good look at the way things run around here, not me so much but the schedule and our flow :). I have been trying to get everything done that I need to for homeschool in the morning before anything else gets done, but I realized that unlike the public school model I am the one that has to prepare the meals, attend to squabbles and the like. That takes up time. It was frustrating to only get so far in the day when I had determined that we would be done my midday. But then I realized my extra pressure to finish, isn't helpful to the learning environment or to the development of my children. The solution, make all day an opportunity for expanse. If we need a break for what ever reason, I should take it, using everyday experiences to reinforce the concepts being taught. Think about it. What do you remember most from your education the textbooks or the hands on? For some the textbook is enough, but if one can get your hands dirty, metaphorically speaking some days, the exposure cements that new information.

My goal is to figure out how to make our chaotic family life right now fit into the model of learning all day, whether we be at home, out and about, and doing all those things that are required to keep life running. Learning should be an ongoing process not just one we do from 9am-noon. That is the beauty of schooling at home verses public education, I don't have to be restricted by time or place.

Prodigal Blogger

Surfacing from life for a moment to take a breath, finally. "Vacation" as always is as busy as ever, especially with the stomach flu, doctor appointments, family visits, holidays, and daily upkeep. I was able however, to organize and semi-decorate the kids rooms, my room in preparation for the baby, and the school room minus all our Christmas decor. It did require moving all the beds, piano, my work table, breaking down the computer desk, and heaving the coffee table into place. Oh, and how could I forget the recliner. This has all taught me that I should have lighter furniture or bigger muscles. lol

For special news I was able to squeeze the ultrasound in a couple of weeks ago and found out that I am having another girl!

Purse Obsession

Is it to much for a girl to ask for something completely functional for stuffing every corner of my life into it without the purse becoming the size of a duffel bag, that still remains feminine and stylish? Well I am on the search to find the perfect handbag. And of course the ultimate purse accessory, the perfect wallet. So help me out! What has worked and not worked for you ladies?

Breathing...

...at least for the next three weeks. Finals are over! We will lead a temporary existence of normalcy. (What ever that is?) Thank heavens for winter break. It couldn't have come any sooner. Well who am I kidding? It could have come anytime and I would have been ecstatic! ;) But in the nick of time is more like it seeing as my husband's vehicle didn't start this morning on the way to his last exam. It just isn't Christmas break without a little car doctoring to do. But I am glad that he will be home more to help me with the rugrats. My right leg is now an off color of flesh tone and purple with my left leg running a short second behind. It is kind of my little joke now. When I make it to church everyone asks if I have broken my ankle. If only they knew.

The Last Straw

Are finals over yet??? Between all the late nights that turn into early mornings helping Hubby study for his finals for the last two weeks, being a single mom of three small children from 7am-11pm every day, and being mucho pregnant, I am about to lose it. I can do it right?

Just two more days, just two more days.......

Christmas Baking

I can't wait to fill my home with the wondrous smells of Christmas time! To me a nice heaping plate of goodies, specially wrapped in pretty colored plastic, left anonymously at my neighbors doorstep is pure Christmas joy. Baking these special goodies that only my family has these particular recipes to connects me to the past, the present, and the future. While getting all floury and sugar encrusted with my children realizing at the same time they might do this years down the road with thier own and that my great-grandma, grandma, and mother have thought the same and done the same with theirs is pretty cool. Plus it sure is a tasty way to do some service.

Progression

Being stagnant really isn't neutral. The whole point of existence is to make progress. Without progression we merely exist pushing ourselves farther from our goal which is basically regression. There is no holding still in life, either one is moving forward or life whizzes by leaving them far behind. I love the idea of being a better person than I was yesterday. I truly think that will be my only goal this coming year. It is all encompassing with the aspects of my life. Everyday I can ask myself what I did well and what needs improvement, following through the next day.