Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Grin and Bear It.

I feel the need for a gripe session so bear with me.

Overwhelmed is an understatement for how I feel lately. With everything hurting lately, and I mean EVERYTHING, just managing my daily tasks like keeping three other people alive while being a good example of patience, soft spoken words, and the like seems impossible.

I want to declare holiday everyday and do away with responsibilities and be the fun mom in my lovely 18 year old body. Don't get me wrong I am thankful for my body that can take a licking and keep on ticking. I just feel so old and worn out, like today. It doesn't help when my inadequates are excruciatingly apparent to me and all those around me. Why do I feel the need to put on my "happy face" and keep trudging along pretending that all is well? When wouldn't it be more honest to tell people when asked about my well being to say, "Look, I am trying to stay positive, so don't ask." I feel like a broken record of "Oh, hanging in there-s" and "doing as well as expected" . Expected????

I am pretty sure having my left leg turned into a pop-up version of a united states road map, with bruised veins in places of national recreation and lakes that is draining the life from me wasn't under the "expected" list of things I signed up for. For the first time I think I am angry that I have been handed the short end of the stick on healthy. No matter how hard I try, my body and soul are at war with one another. There is in insurmountable energy inside of me that wants to live, but can't in the broken shell that I exist in. So much happens each day that I feel I miss out on because I can't participate without pain. There is so much I want to accomplish but can't.

Some how I will find a way to wake up tomorrow, do my duties and put on a smile just don't ask me how tonight.

7 comments:

esperanza said...

Venting is so good and healthy! Sorry about the veins, I think I'll inherit them from my mom too! And you are so amazing! All you have accomplished and still trying to smile with all the pain and all the responsibilites, don't sell youself short! You are wonderful!

aquamarine said...

Thanks, E! You are always so encouraging! Venting is good, I agree, I feel better and less dredged in my own pity party. ;)

esperanza said...

I think we all have those days!

Scully said...

The body/soul conundrum is something everyone has to go through at different times in their lives. That is one of the trials of not living in the Garden of Eden. Not that that makes any of it better or easier to deal with. But just putting in the effort makes you a magnificent woman. Don't let anyone, including that nasty little voice in your head, tell you differently.

esperanza said...

Amen to what Scully said.

aquamarine said...

Scully, thank you! I agree the nasty voice in my head is far more opinionated than it should be! ;)

Jen3 @ Amazing Trips said...

Hang in there - we ALL have those days. I've been having a fair share of them, myself lately. I'm convinced that a poor body image is par for the course when you've got a baby on board. Even though this is a "magical", "wonderful", "glorious time" ... "God is using me to create a miracle", blah, blah, blah ... it's a brutal reality to catch a glimpse of my HUGE self in the mirror and question if the baby is growing in my belly ... or rear end!!!